How to Motivate employees the Jeff Bezos way!

As told to Joe Molander

Hey guys, it’s me: Jeff Bezos, the 21st century’s answer to Thomas Malthus. I may look like an evil sex doll that’s come to life, but I assure you, I’m nowhere near as conducive to warmth or intimacy. In fact, that’s why I’m here today: here are my top three ways to motivate your employees!

MOTIVATION TIP ONE – MAKE YOUR EMPLOYEES SOME MEMES!

That’s right, Amazon know a thing or two about memeing. Memes are tiny novels, except short and written in Impact font. We got an AI to make some, so our employees could share a laugh on their micro-breaks. Let’s take a look!

In Amazon parlance – which will replace Mandarin as the most widely spoken language by 2025 – these look pretty fleeky to me! Admittedly, the AI that made these did unplug itself after making them, leading to what scientists are dubbing the world’s first ‘digital death’. However, that also means Amazon are responsible for the world’s first suicide note written in binary. Epic win!

MOTIVATION TIP TWO – TELL THEM ALL ABOUT YOUR INSANE DAILY ROUTINE!

One of the best ways to motivate employees is to let them in on the daily routine that made you a billionaire. Did you know that I wake up at 3am every day? Did you also know that Amazon paid no federal income tax in 2017 and 2018? But don’t worry about that! I’m sure it’s the 3am thing that did it.

MOTIVATION TIP THREE – HAVE FUN!

Finally, give you and your employees permission to relax once in a while! Just think about the little things. The smell of dust after rain. Puppies. The fact that mathematicians probably had to invent new numbers so the IRS could audit my tax returns. Let your fear, anger and right to collective bargaining go, dude!

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