Theatre students despair at lack of shows to self-promote

The number of performing arts students self-reporting depressive thoughts at Newcastle has risen by 316%, according to a recent survey. There is plenty of speculation as to the cause, but the most popular theory points to the lack of any new shows in the wake of lockdown.

Dr. E. Dipus, professor of psychology at Newcastle University, claims that without any new shows to promote, theatre students lack the sort of outlet they are used to. “It’s simply a case of these students no longer being able to incessantly promote their shows to uninterested parties.” says Dr. Dipus, “we expect to see a fall in these numbers once things start to come back to some sort of normality.”

Under normal circumstances, theatre students are free to share and promote their upcoming shows as much as they want. Be it through dozens of Facebook posts every day, never shutting up about in group chats, or approaching people in person who say they’ll attend when they really have no intention in doing so.

We spoke to one theatre student who simply told us, “How do I show people I’m special if I can’t constantly talk about my upcoming show?” Another, non-theatre student simply said, “Thank god.”

Given the constant relaxation of lockdown rules, we are expecting to see the return of theatre sometime soon. The Toon Lampoon advises you to quickly turn off notifications from anyone you suspect may be in to the performing arts.

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