It can be revealed that – in a lewd act of waterfowl-based intercourse – a 20-foot-tall statue of Tim Martin has been birthed in the Newcastle Wetherspoons pub.
It is the second time a statue of Martin has been erected in Newcastle after the first, which depicted a headless and dressed in a ballet costume, was toppled by a mob of angry students last year. However, to appease the tastes of the discerning masses, this time the sculpture features a nude body with its head donning a pink tutu.
It stands at the foot of the building, and commemorates his generous donation of a “£1 million loft conversion” earlier this year, according to a tiny plaque pinned to his groin area. The artists, whose names remain unknown, constructed it while the pub was closed because “birds can’t catch the ‘rona, honk.”
Regulars T. Rood and E. Moschenal, who had been queuing up outside the watering hole for the three months, witnessed four of the Queen’s swans, and one greatly confused Canada goose, construct a giant nest (used to birth the sculpture) while the pub was in lockdown. Rood told a reporter from The Toon Lampoon, “I feared it had turned into some sort of swingers club for birdwatchers.” But thankfully for the drinking-man, their giant egg, which looked like a firkin of ale, was kicked to shreds by a crowd of thirsty punters when they were let back in on Super Saturday. However from the seeping yoke, it is said that the statue then unravelled itself like fireman’s hose and slid its way to the front of the pub, such as a creature from the primordial soup.
The sculpture, which some have compared to a Greek God, is a spectacle to behold, but it is not to the tastes of everyone. One local called it “A crime against everything that Wetherspoons, and a keen supporter of the arts, stands for.” Several petitions have been placed with the City Council in support of the ‘Martin Must Fall Movement’ brandishing it as an unnatural and sick monument, thought to have been brought on by a bad case of bird-flu induced Glandula Superrealismus.
When a reporter from The Toon Lampoon approached the feathery artists for comment, they just responded with “Honk, honk, Brexit, honk”, a statement thought to venerate Martin, who they are said worship like some ale-deity.