House of Lords “really hopes that someone gets superpowers” as Agriculture Bill passes

Baroness Altmann voiced her hope that the lowering of food standards following Brexit would result in a Britain watched over by superpowered entities. The opinion came after the House of Lords passed the Government’s controversial Agriculture Bill.

“There is a risk inherent in reducing the quality we demand in our meat and poultry,” Altmann stated upon exiting the House. “However, I think we need to balance that against the chances of having an emergent collective of Übermenschian protectors guarding us against the forces of evil.”

The Agriculture Bill’s detractors have argued that the legislation, if enshrined in law, would force Britain to accept hormone-fed beef and chlorinated chicken. Opponents have also claimed that sow stalls and battery cages would become a necessity for farmers, who would need to compete with American agricultural practices.

But many of the Lords found common ground in agreeing that these potential drawbacks would be “like, a hundred per cent worth it if it meant that we could have people zooming around the country shooting lasers out of their eyes like fucking Superman or something.”

Lord Adonis was especially vocal in his support of the bill, claiming that he would “pump kids full of salmonella using a goddamn fire hose if it meant that we could get guys smashing into buildings and throwing cranes at each other and shit.”

“We do, of course, understand that there have been cases of food poisoning and parasites as a result of less traditional practices,” Lord Agnew added. “But I truly believe that there are few things that could have a more beneficial effect on our economy and our morale than a man with the powers of God himself flying so fast around the earth that he turns back time. Like…he turns back fucking time, man,’ he added, gazing off into the distance. “I mean…fuck.”

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