Speaking from the balcony of St. Peter’s Basilica, Pope Francis today offered to reveal the location of other sites of child interment, provided that the families of the deceased win a standard game of The Crystal Maze.
‘I have communed with the Almighty for many weeks on this decision,’ the head of the Catholic Church told journalists today, ‘and I now know in my heart that a special edition of the 1990s British television classic, The Crystal Maze, is the most virtuous path to finally resolving this issue.’
The Catholic Church has faced criticism over its treatment of children following incidents such as the discovery of the skeletons of two-year-olds at Bon Secours Mother and Baby Home and the allegations of abuse and murder at St Joseph’s Orphanage in Burlington, Vermont. A spokesperson for the Independent Inquiry into Catholic Child Offences stated in response to Pope Francis’ announcement, ‘This is an opportunity to find out how out exactly how many tragic deaths the Catholic Church is responsible for. We’re not willing to speculate on the figure, though I would confidently put a fiver on it being a literal tonne.’
Pope Francis did, however, stipulate that the episode upon which the final resting places of hundreds of children would be wagered must be hosted by Richard O’Brien rather than Richard Ayoade. ‘He’s only 78, and he’s still working,’ the Holy Father stated. ‘And, let’s face it, if the mass graves are going to be up for grabs, it’s going to be done using the classic format. None of that ten-seconds-mega-time-crystal shit.’
While a surprising move from an organisation as historically intractable as the Catholic Church, the arrangement does have precedence. In 1994, the Church of England ruled that the introduction of women vicars would be determined by six rounds of Scrabble, while Harvey Weinstein was found guilty of rape in the third degree earlier this year after losing to Rose McGowan in a special edition of Get Your Own Back.