Agric heartbroken that posting a gym selfie doesn’t automatically make him ripped

A distraught Agriculture student has discovered that posting gym selfies on Instagram doesn’t automatically make him ripped.

The student, known only as Jim, had been paying £35 a month to upload a new gym selfie to his social media profiles each day.

Barely able to hold back tears when speaking to The Lampoon, Jim said: “I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong.

I rock up every day, change into my exercise gear, straddle the bench press, and – snap snap.

“My last post nearly went viral: I got 13 likes and a comment from my nan saying I looked very handsome. I must be doing it right.

“But when my mum came up to visit me last week and do my laundry, she said I looked in shape, which I was well chuffed with, ’til she said that that shape was a share bag of Doritos.

“She said that the only pecks I’ll be getting are pecks on the cheek when my nan takes her gnashers out.”

When asked by The Lampoon whether he planned to alter his diet as part of his new fitness regime, Jim seemed surprised.

“Of course I’ve been putting photos of avocado on toast and kwina… keenwa… that lumpy stuff on my Instagram. I may be an Agric but I’m not dumb.”

When asked by The Lampoon whether he actually eats them, Jim said: “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.”

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