A student has been hospitalised following the all-female Sabbatical Officer team starting in their roles last month, The Lampoon can reveal. He was discharged from hospital earlier this week after baffling doctors, who tried to determine the cause of his symptoms unsuccessfully for four weeks.
The student, who will remain unnamed for his own protection, is a self-described “man going his own way”. Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) is a mostly online community that advocates for men to separate themselves from a society harmful to men, and particularly to eschew marriage and cohabitation [with women].
Describing his symptoms, he said “I’d been experiencing a powerful sense of dread since the election results were announced but it wasn’t until the start of June, when the new sabbs began working, that I started feeling worse.”
“For a few days, I suffered from joint and muscle weakness, especially in my knees. Then I began experiencing near-constant sweating, particularly in my palms. I had no explanation for this. It wasn’t until I’d gone home for dinner one day and started throwing up uncontrollably after having some spaghetti Mum had cooked that I went to A&E.”
Doctors at Newcastle’s Royal Victoria Infirmary were perplexed by this young man’s condition, ruling out everything from an endocrine disorder to a brain tumour. Dr Robert Chase, of the RVI’s Department of Diagnostic Medicine, said “We had no clue as to what was going on with this patient. At first, we thought it was lupus, but after two more incorrect diagnoses and several futile treatments he began to feel better. We think he just began to accept that what happened was the will of the people and that there was nothing he could do about it.”
We here at The Lampoon urge anybody who is experiencing discomfort over the current Sabbatical Officer team to follow in the footsteps of this young man and get a grip. If you’re concerned about any radical changes they might make, don’t forget that they’re only in the job for a year anyway and it’s not like they ever get anything done.