Despite the ongoing pandemic, campaigning for the US Election is in full swing, with alleged rapist and gaffe specialist Joe Biden taking on the incumbent alleged rapist and son of KKK member Donald Trump.
The candidates couldn’t be any more different, with Trump choosing to vilify black people by taking out front page ads calling for the death penalty for wrongfully convicted black youth, and Biden opting to do it by writing a crime bill that contributed to the disproportionate mass incarceration of African-Americans.
The startling contrast between the candidates is further demonstrated by the company they keep, with Trump hanging out with child sex-trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, describing him as a “terrific guy” and saying, “He’s a lot of fun to be with. It is even said that he likes beautiful women as much as I do, and many of them are on the younger side.” Epstein “committed suicide” while in jail on suicide watch in August last year, after being arrested on sex-trafficking charges. Biden, on the other hand, keeps different company. He eulogized notorious senator Strom Thurmond, a man so racist he spent 24 hours filibustering the Civil Rights Act, calling him a “great man and a personal friend”. A “great man” who, at the age of 22, raped his family’s 15 year old (black) maid, impregnating her, and ran for President on a platform of racial segregation. Big differences visible here, as the rapists Trump hangs out with aren’t vocal racists.
The candidates stand pretty far apart on policy issues too, when you look at their record. Biden, on the one hand, has historically voted in favour of wars in the Middle East, in favour of the Patriot Act, in favour of the Drug War and doesn’t support Medicare for All. Trump, on the other hand, instead vocally supported wars in the Middle East, supported the Patriot Act, supported the Drug War and doesn’t support Medicare for All. Their stances on human rights are polar opposites too, with flagrant violations of human rights committed blatantly and openly under Trump. Under Trump, the immigrant crisis reached a new height, as it was revealed children were being seperated from thier parents and kept in cages at the border. Biden, in stark contrast, was Vice President when these cages were originally built and used for the same purpose.
Speaking to the Lampoon, American voter V. Rube explained why the choice was easy for him. “Well, I mean, I think it’s pretty straightforward who we need to vote in. Trump has been accused of sexual assault on 26 instances, while Biden’s really only been accused once or twice. As a conscionable guy I’ve gotta vote for the candidate who did the least sexual assault don’t I? Or, I guess I could vote for the guy that made ‘The Life of Pablo'”.
Which racist, rapist, imperialist murderer will win the hearts and minds of the American people this time? Keep posted as we bring you the latest in US election news, all of which belongs on a satire website at this point. Did we mention Kanye’s running?