Drunken brawls deemed essential business

In a landmark decision today, the British Government waived the need to maintain social distancing when driving a pint glass into a fellow drinker’s face again and again and again following the reopening of pubs on July 4th.

It was thought that the Government’s easing of lockdown protocol just over a week ago, which included allowing bars and pubs to open their doors, would involve strict regulations on a set distance to maintain from other drinkers. However, Government sources claimed that drunken fistfights out on the streets were an essential aspect of this new stage of precautions.

“It’s important that our culture and our national identity is not one of the casualties of this dreadful pandemic,” Government spokesman Richard R. Reginald told The Lampoon today. ‘Beating your fellow man half to death with a pool cue or shattering a bottle across his face after fifteen pints is a uniquely British activity, and it has never been the position of this Government that the country should have to sacrifice its customs or its culture.”

“Of course, this comes with its drawbacks, as any solution will,” Reginald went on to say. “Not every fight is going to be two equally-soused gentlemen in roughly the same weight class squaring up to each other. We’re hearing stories of men who queued up for pub entry at nine in the morning picking a fight with a man who’s just finished his second pint. You know, so they’re at that point when they’re weirdly good at everything? I mean, in that scenario, your average drunk is going to take more fists than an experimental porn star, which means more work for an already over-encumbered NHS.”

Asked what the Government plans to do to solve this issue, Reginald could offer The Lampoon few concrete suggestions. “At the moment, we’re considering splitting pubs into weight classes,” the source told us. “Something that would make this a little less of a farce. We’ve also given some thought to a training regimen for anyone willing to risk their precious health for a pint in order to even the playing field a bit. I mean, some of these men have been physically abusing their families almost every day since lockdown. That’s commitment, and that no-days-off attitude makes a real difference.”

Reginald went on to hotly deny any rumours that the Government was turning a blind eye to these brawls as a means of bringing down the population and creating fewer vectors for the coronavirus. “That’s ridiculous. If we were trying to kill off some of the population, we’d be using a lot more effective methods than letting a bunch of Eastenders characters work out their deep-seated emotional issues and childhood traumas on each other. I imagine, hypothetically, that we’d have sent out deliberately conflicting advice, made face masks a matter of personal choice, undermined public confidence in the lockdown, and paid everyone to go and eat at restaurants.”

Government Ministers have yet to issue an official comment on the increased levels of violence following the reopening of the pubs. When asked for comment, Downing Street stated that the Cabinet is currently more concerned with trying to protect Prime Minister Boris Johnson from getting battered around the House of Commons on a weekly basis by Keir Starmer.

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