Large disembodied head sculptures begin materialising all over campus

Reports have been emerging of large heads – not unlike the “Generation” sculptures outside the Students’ Union – materialising in places all over campus, as if out of thin air.

The Lampoon first caught wind of this strange phenomenon when a handful of submissions were posted on the Newfess II Facebook page asking if the three heads outside the SU were the only ones at the university. Initial reports emerged of heads being spotted near the Business School, but slowly sightings spread across campus, from heads on grass outside buildings to heads hidden in the back of lecture theatres.

The initial newfess.

Custodial staff at the Philip Robinson Library spoke to The Lampoon, stating that they had begun to see heads appearing almost instantly around the library while their backs were turned, from between shelves to inside study rooms. The heads were reported to be impossibly heavy and immovable. Some of them seemed to disappear and reappear, almost at random, while others seemed to stay. Upon reporting this to higher-ups, custodial staff were told to keep quiet, and to “simply go about their business as if they weren’t there”.

Some students still in university accommodation reported heads appearing in empty rooms, visible through open windows. A handful of reports even indicated appearances inside flat kitchens and laundry rooms, with the sculptures appearing only to move when not in line of sight. When approached for comment, first-year student Sophie Crane told us:

“It’s completely surreal, but one of those creepy heads from campus has just appeared in my flat. I called security about it, but when I informed them what the issue was they immediately hung up. Whenever I go down to reception they’ll pretend they can’t hear me and not let me in. I’m scared and confused. It’s just been waltzing around like it pays rent. I’ll see it standing still in front of the fridge or in the hallway, and I can hear the sound of a heavy rock-type object dragging itself along the hallway at night, but as soon as I try to look out, it’ll either have disappeared or will be motionless. What’s worse, my milk is being taken – I thought that after my flatmates left for lockdown this problem would finally stop, but it’s just been getting worse.”

In leaked correspondence between staff and university administration, the administration was quoted as sternly stating that, “Everybody needs to stop questioning these heads and allowing them to remain undisturbed. We’ve received multiple emails about these heads, but rest assured that it is none of your business and that we have the situation under control. Any further correspondence regarding this matter should be kept to yourself, and anyone caught harassing the heads will be reprimanded severely. And for your own sake, please do NOT touch them.”

The University did not respond to requests for comment. Our Eldritch Horrors correspondent did not take no for an answer, and barged into King’s Gate at the behest of the security. He was not heard from again. A photo he managed to send before he lost contact with the Lampoon office appeared to show a circle of stone heads surrounding a man on an altar, but was too blurry to make any conclusive inferences.

The Lampoon also attempted to contact the artist responsible for the original sculpture. Upon calling him we were informed by a hoarse voice that he “never existed” and to “not call back”. We were then immediately hung up on.

We would continue reporting as the story develops, but when any more writing or editing is attempted on this subject, our computers crash. Something tells us we should leave it alone.

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