In a turn of events that left its participants reeling, an individual who regularly referred to himself as a “Geordie” was revealed to in fact hold residence in Gateshead.
Darren Smike, 47, who had also frequently described himself as “from round here” and as living “just a stone’s throw away from here, actually”, admitted earlier today that what had seemed like just another unremarkable life was, in reality, a web of deceit cunningly woven for almost five decades.
“I got too comfortable,” Smike told Lampoon reporters. “That’s how it always happens, you know. I was just leaving the Crown Court and was walking back up the Quayside with my mates. I told them that I had to be getting back home, and I pointed across the river, over at the Baltic. I knew I’d made a mistake the second I did it. Now it’s all over.”
Smike’s acquaintances described themselves as “shaken” from the incident, having assumed that Darren was no more than the taxi driver and part-time bouncer that he had always appeared to be.
“He seemed just, you know, like a regular lad,” former friend Nick Nickson told The Lampoon. “He liked a few drinks, enjoyed the odd racist generalisation, wouldn’t grass you up to the police. After today…I’ve been going through every interaction we’ve ever had, and I can’t believe I never spotted it. I mean, he was in my home. He was in the same room as my fucking kids.” At this point, too emotionally affected to continue, Nickson terminated the interview.
Following the collapse of his deception, Darren Smike fled across the River Tyne into Gateshead where, his lawyer tells us, he plans to remain until his next steps become clear. The Lampoon took the opportunity to speak with a representative of Gateshead who, for his own safety, requested to remain anonymous.
“Mr Smike is back where he belongs,” Councillor Tom T. Trarson, 61, told our reporter. “Right now, we’re convinced that this is the safest place for him. We see things like this a lot in our line of work. People always looking over the Tyne, thinking that they can build themselves a better life there. Like Icarus, and like so many other Gateshead residents, Darren flew too close to the sun. It’s our job now to protect him from his former friends in the North and hope that, one day, the world can accept people like us.”
More information on the Newcastle/Gateshead divide can be found in The Lampoon’s recent documentary: Worse than Newcastle: The Gateshead Story.