Chris Grayling exceeds all expectations

Chris Grayling entered another unparalleled feat into what is fast becoming an untouchable political record, as he failed to take up his latest post.

The predictions for his presumed reign as Head of the Intelligence and Security Committee showed a rare unity often unseen in modern British politics. Chris Grayling outperformed even the most ambitious of forecasts, though, by never actually achieving the position in the first place.

Grayling’s latest triumph of ineptitude was revealed yesterday, as Julian Lewis was instead chosen to lead the Committee, shortly before losing the Conservative Party whip.

“I’m in awe of the man,” a source on the Committee told The Lampoon. “We at least thought he’d have to get to the point of showing up to the office and finding out where we hide the good biscuits. However, his commitment to lurching from embarrassment to humiliation outshines anything else I’ve seen in this role.”

Ian Mearns, MP for Gateshead, told our political correspondent, “Am I surprised? A little. I always knew that we’d end up shaking our heads with a rueful smile, but I had money on him lasting about a week before ending up signing copies of the unredacted Russia report in Waterstones.”

When asked to comment on delivering yet another classic failure well before the predicted deadline, Grayling, having accidentally locked himself inside a stationary cupboard, told The Lampoon, “I’m certainly happy with the timeline of this latest arse-up. I do wish that I’d had the opportunity for something with a little more élan – say creating a black hole in Whitehall or summoning the Old Ones during an audit. However, I’d like to think that I have, at least, remained a dependable figure in uncertain times.”

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