A first-year Medical student has been left deflated by their forced removal from the MBBS course after lecturers deemed their handwriting “legible”.
Despite achieving the phenomenal AAA grades required to get into Newcastle University Medical School, the applicant failed to read the often-overlooked entry requirement concealed at the bottom of the UCAS page, which read: “due to the nature of the profession, only candidates with a scrawl will be considered”.
In an exclusive interview with The Lampoon, Mr Bones expressed his disappointment at the news:
“It was only after seeing my seminar notes that the lecturers noticed I had a problem. I heard some tuts and sighs from the back of the room, and a few days late my personal tutor Dr. Hu contacted me to arrange a meeting. For a personal tutor to actually arrange a meeting, I knew it had to be something pretty serious – maybe about the bodies that went missing from our last dissection section, or the big pile of codeine I smuggled in my scrubs. If it were either of those, the consequences would have been much less severe – but Dr. Hu gently broke it to me that my handwriting was just way too neat to be a doctor, and I would have to be removed from the course.”
Though a career in the healthcare industry is now unlikely, Mr. Bones still has hopes that the months he spent studying Medicine may be of some use.
“What with the coronavirus, there are more than enough bodies to meet demand at the moment – but I’m hoping that in a few months when the virus is more under control, if Boris gets his act together, I can make a small fortune selling my collection. The codeine? That’s for a few friends working in Westminster….”
The Lampoon does not condone amateur grave robbing, and implores readers to leave it to the trained professionals.