President of left-wing society manages to go a whole year without committing sexual assault

The president of a high-profile left-wing society on Campus has revealed today that he managed to go an entire academic year without committing sexual assault. The president of the Young Socialist Society celebrated this feat by announcing the news on his private Facebook account The Lampoon reports.

“It’s amazing to have succeeded where so many of my predecessors and contemporaries have failed” his post reads. The president was humble in his victory, mentioning how it was “admittedly touch and go at times.” In a later reply to his own post, the president clarified that his use of ‘touch and go’ was “clearly metaphorical.”

The post seems to have attracted support from many current and former presidents of Newcastle University’s various left-wing societies, congratulating the Young Socialist leader on his amazing accomplishment. Comments such as “Congrats mate, fantastic achievement!” and “Smashed it kid, I’m sending love and strength X” have flooded in since this morning.

Newcastle University Student Union have also been quick in congratulating the president. A spokesperson on behalf of NUSU expressed their “delight [at] not having another society’s president referred to them for sexual misconduct and then not punishing them in any way.”

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