Today, the Virginal Sacrifice of a Member of this Chamber Act 2020 passed its second reading in the House of Commons with overwhelming bipartisan support. The Bill, if successful, would mandate the immolation of one Member of Parliament to ensure a bountiful parliamentary session, provided that the Member in question is still in possession of their virginity.
Speaking to The Lampoon’s political correspondent, a member of the Civil Service stated, “I understand that this seems somewhat superfluous in light of Brexit and the current pandemic, but this really is a crucial Bill, as can be seen by the tremendous level of support it’s received. It might seem odd to an outsider, but we really do have to sacrifice a virgin to the flames within the next few weeks in order to ensure the continuation of our democracy.”
Another MP echoed the civil servant’s endorsement of the Bill. “Even in times such as these, there are some topics on which all true representatives of the people must agree, and the burning alive of a virgin Member is, I am glad and proud to say, one of those topics.” When asked how the sacrifice in question would be selected, the Member told our correspondent, “Well, in other Parliaments, I imagine that there would be some sort of lottery. However, considering evidence that we found scrawled on the lavatory wall and are choosing to extend parliamentary privilege to, Gavin Williamson appears to be the only viable tribute.”
The news that Gavin Williamson, 44, would be placed into a giant wicker effigy of Pitt the Younger and burned alive as his fellow parliamentarians danced around it if the Bill became enshrined in law was revealed just before the second reading of the Bill: a vote which saw the Ayes swing from 437 to 649 in a shift of over thirty-two per cent (Williamson abstained). In the Lobby, The Lampoon took comments from MPs on the vote.
Asked for his thoughts upon exiting the chamber, Opposition Leader Keir Starmer stated, “Honestly, I’m not one hundred per cent sure on how this ritual works, but once certain facts were made clear just before the vote…well, it was a no-brainer.”
A Cabinet Minister, who requested to remain anonymous, told our correspondent, “I think in politics, as in all areas of life, one must always consider matters carefully before voting to condemn one of their respected colleagues to suffer tremendous agony and death in the purifying flames. In this particular case, I have done exactly that and have a clear conscience.”
Gavin Williamson could not be reached for comment, though the Department for Education assured The Lampoon that they were almost certain that the Secretary of Education had “absolutely done it with literally loads of women.”