The Toon Lampoon can officially reveal that the Newcastle University Anthropology department has been behind the organisation of a series of clandestine orgies attended by the wealthiest members of the student body.
“All this time, it’s been a lie,” an anonymous source told The Lampoon’s orgies and mischief correspondent, “all the lectures, the homework, the exams: a fiction. It’s just a smokescreen: a rug covering the filth. I don’t know where they get it from or what anthropology is even supposed to be, but what goes on in there won’t be found on the curriculum.”
The Lampoon’s source, whose identity has been withheld for their own protection, reported that the orgies were filled with students from the most select circles of University society, who find themselves filled shortly after arrival. “They’re all there: society presidents, department representatives, student landlords, postgraduates. They all wear masks and cloaks, but they’re usually balled up in a sweaty pile in the corner by the time the pianist hits the first crescendo. Then it’s more or less a free-for-all-fuckathon until the 1pm sociology lecture.”
The exact purpose behind these bi-weekly gatherings is still unknown, but The Lampoon’s person on the inside has described sinister occurrences following their most recent reconnaissance. “It might be my imagination, but it’s like I’m being followed. The other day, my GP called and asked me to come into the surgery to discuss my latest blood test results, but I’ve never had a blood sample taken before. My housemates keep making phone calls when they think I can’t hear them, and I’ve definitely heard my name mentioned, even though they’re whispering. The other day, I woke up to find Jared Diamond’s Guns, Germs, and Steel: The Fates of Human Societies on the pillow next to me. I guess I just want to tell my story now in case they… well, in case something happens.”
The Lampoon has not heard from our source since the interview, despite reaching out several times. If you know or have some contact with this anonymous individual, please tell them to get in touch, as we think that they’re currently being extremely rude.