Sabbatical officer elected on a 3% turnout vote “excited to represent the student body”

Every year, for some inconceivable reason, the Newcastle University Student’s Union holds student elections, where the most narcissistic students from every corner of the University’s social stratosphere scramble to engage about 5% of the student body in a desperate race to make their Uni experience “worth it”.

Several candidates vie for cushy positions where they do barely anything for a year, but only the fitte-*ahem*, “most-qualified” can shine above and haunt campus for another year.

The Lampoon recently had the privilege and honor of speaking to one of our fine, democratically elected Sabbatical Officers. Annyong Kunt, who ran un-opposed for the “Lightweight Students Representative” and still almost narrowly lost, with 36% of voters RON’ing him.

Speaking to our reporter in Luther’s, already pretty pissed from just 3 pints, Annyong claimed that he was “extremely chuffed to be doing this” and that he “couldn’t wait to speak for the fine students at Newcastle”, a whole 3% of which turned out to vote on his position.

“I love play-politics, man. I’m almost 26 and still clinging on to student life, and I get paid 19k for it! It’s the fucking dream.”, Mr. Kunt added.

By this point, Annyong had had 5 pints and was blackout drunk, which led to the interview having to be cut short. We are pleased to report that our reporter did manage to nick his wallet, however.

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