Following the conclusion of a two-year legal battle, a tribune of judges today passed down their sentence on the cast of the Newcastle-based reality television series, Geordie Shore, condemning them to death via guillotine.
After the sentence was handed down, Chief Justice Ian Tristan made his closing statement. “For too long, the nihilistic, excess-driven attitudes of the Geordie Shore community have infected our airwaves and polluted the minds of our young people. It is to be hoped that, upon your deaths, the culture of Newcastle upon Tyne may begin to heal itself, and we will enter into a new age of enlightenment.”
News of the sentence received praise across the political spectrum, with tickets for the event already sold out. A spokesperson for Newcastle City Council addressed the media in an impromptu press conference earlier this afternoon, stating, “The council does not, as a rule, endorse mob justice, no more than we do the death penalty. In this case, however, we do not regard this as a means of justice, but rather as a protection of our way of life. We condemn these agents of filth to Madame Guillotine, and may God have mercy on whatever they have in the place of souls.”
The Toon Lampoon was unable to secure an interview with the Geordie Shore cast, who are being kept in a place far from daylight and hope. However, a representative from their legal team granted The Lampoon’s horsewhipping and lobotomies correspondent a brief interview. “The cast is, of course, horrified by this sentence, or at least they would be if they knew what it meant, or the word ‘guillotine’, or the word ‘horrified’. Suffice to say that we’ll be making their final days as comfortable as possible, which we imagine will take a lot of Jägermeister, fake tan, and meaningless sex in a last-ditch attempt for a shred of internal validation.”