Valiant British holidaymakers scramble to return home from France in dinghies

The UK Government has announced that people arriving in the UK from 4am on Saturday will have to quarantine for 14 days. As such, thousands of tourists have been trying to get back from French soil before the deadline. This has lead to chaos at the air and seaports with the Eurotunnel telling people without a valid booking just to not turn up.

But as we all know, the plucky British spirit cannot be tamed that easily. What can only be described as a “flotilla of boats which would make Dunkirk look like child’s play” has set out from the shores of France to bring our boys home.

The tourists who make the treacherous journey have been reported paddling across on lilos and rubber rings, carrying not even their clothes (or sunscreen) on their reddened backs. Some only have six pints of Stella for nourishment on the long journey. Such is the sheer desperation of someone willing to risk their lives drinking, which is unfathomable to someone sitting back here safe in Britain. But we at The Lampoon all think that any moral person would feel the plight of those making such a treacherous journey, and in doing so missing the chance to buy 200 fags in duty-free.

A reporter for The Lampoon recently avoided killer dolphins to go and pester those making the crossing, in the name of journalism. One sea-born reveller said that he and the family were making the trip via pedalo as “I can’t spend a fortnight stuck at home with the old ball and chain, if we keep the pace up I could be skulling lager at Spoons by nightfall.”

In other goings-on, it can be reported that the Home Secretary herself has pledged she will swim out herself and drag any boats in trouble back home with her teeth. Meanwhile, the French have pledged that they have launched coast guard vessels to patrol the area, as “you can’t have a laissez-faire attitude when tourist money’s on the line.”

When asked if there were any topical parallels which could be drawn from this situation, neither the writer nor the editor could think of any. However, we both have utmost respect for those brave enough to make such a crossing and all those who would risk their lives in search of a better life than back home in their Croydon semi.

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