Only descendants of slave-owners to achieve highest A-level grades

Facing demands for comment following a tumultuous A-level results process, the Secretary for Education today announced that only students who can trace their family tree back to slave-owners and architects of the Atlantic slave trade would be eligible to achieve an A* grade.

This announcement followed accusations of classism and bias as it was revealed that while over a third of English students had received a grade lower than predicted, the results at independent and private schools had in contrast risen.

“What you have to understand is that we can’t allow grades to be artificially inflated and have these individuals being placed in roles that they’re not suitable for,” said Williamson, who was asked to resign and later sacked from his position as Defence Secretary in 2019 by former Prime Minister Theresa May. “Whereas students who have the noble instincts of industry and leadership passed down through their very bloodline deserve the best opportunities we can give them.”

“It’s quite apparent that the guidelines pertaining to the results process have not been laid out clearly enough,” Williamson told The Lampoon’s Class Warfare correspondent. “And I apologise for upholding the standards of clarity and transparency that this government is known for. Still, I find it difficult to believe that anyone could expect a Conservative administration to sway from the values that are central to this Party, and to this nation.”

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