A Professor of Victorian Literature at Newcastle University announced today that he would “rather blow my goddamn brains out than read one more maudlin Dickensian sentence.”
Addressing a gathering of press representatives and curious students outside the chemistry lab that he was ransacking, Professor Tom Lawson stated that a lifetime of poring over texts containing affairs, secret heirs, suicides, and spontaneous combustion had finally forced him to his breaking point.
“Do you have any idea how fucking miserable Victorian novels are?” Professor Lawson asked The Lampoon’s Arts and Culture correspondent as he stuffed bunsen burners and conical flasks into a backpack. “If they’re not suicidal, they’re depressed, and if they’re not depressed, they’re drunks. And I swear to God: if I have to stand up in front of another lecture hall full of first years and tell them that Thackeray was a perceptive writer or George Eliot presents a perfect representation of local politics, I’ll go running in traffic.”
The Toon Lampoon spoke to the Head of English Literature, who was among those witnessing Professor Lawson’s announcement. “We see this a lot,” the department head told The Lampoon. “In fairness, it’s a tragic genre compared to, say, Tolkien or science-fiction. There are only so many scenes of Nicholas Nickleby beating the absolute shite out of a schoolmaster compared to the sheer amount of child abuse, child death, and child suicide. After a certain point, you either get what we like to call the Fear and Loathing sabbatical or…well, let’s just say that things go a little bit Jane Eyre, if you know what I mean.”
Professor Lawson was last seen driving towards Dover with an unidentified Samoan male that witnesses informed The Lampoon was Lawson’s attorney. The Professor of Victorian Literature’s current whereabouts are, as of yet, unknown. When faced with enquiries, Newcastle University English Literature Department stated simply, “It’s better this way.”