Confused Admin Staff Fund New Campus Statue of 16th Century Theologian Martin Luther

Campus was left confused today as the University Administration unveiled a new 10ft statue of German Reformist Martin Luther, who died in 1546.

The University, up until now, has had no strong links with Lutheranism, and it was initially unknown why a ceremony dedicated to the work of the 16th Century Reformist was being held, along with a ceremonial bull burning and the inauguration of a statue of Martin Luther himself.

Upon investigation, our brave reporter uncovered that the ceremony was the result of an understandable blunder by the University’s artwork committee.

A source close to the administration revealed: “Well really, the university decided it had to make a gesture to show its Black students that it cared after this tumultuous year. A lot of options were considered, such as pledging to hire more black professors or better paying existing minority staff, but eventually they settled on something realistic and decided to put up another statue of MLK, in commemoration of Civil Rights and all that.” However, somewhere along the chain of command, a grave mistake was made, and the university accidentally commissioned a 10ft statue of Martin Luther, 16th Century Theologian, instead of Martin Luther King, 20th Century Civil Rights Activist.

“They realized they really didn’t have the budget left over after paying the VC close to half a million and spending hundreds of millions on fancy new buildings to make another statue, so they’re just rolling with it.”, the source concluded.

The Lampoon reached out to the University for a statement, but did not get a reply. Half an hour later, however, a note was stuck to our door with a knife. It was written in Medieval Latin, but luckily our Dead Languages correspondent was on hand to translate. Apparently, the note claims that the University has always been dedicated to Lutheranism, and its recent unveiling is fully in line with its values and not the result of an administrative blunder. The note then went on to apologize for the immolation of a live bull, explaining that someone had misunderstood what a papal bull was.

By press time, a protest had gathered around the new statue, demanding it be torn down. The protesters appeared to be holding up signs calling Martin Luther a ‘reformist degenerate’ and an antisemite. Our Protest Correspondent would attempt to further investigate, but they haven’t moved the smoldering bull carcass yet and he is feeling rather squeamish today.

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