Political journalists struggling to discuss current affairs without Harry Potter metaphors

Political correspondents admitted today that they were still “lost and discouraged” at the prospect of framing national and international events on Twitter without referencing Harry Potter.

Laura Shilling, a news professional who is allegedly an adult, told The Lampoon, “It used to be so easy. You’d just call Trump or Putin or whomever Voldemort, accuse Betsy DeVos of being Professor Umbridge and, if you had the characters left, compare the supporters to Death Eaters. In terms of helping people comprehend the nuanced and multifaceted nature of rapidly developing events, it was unparalleled.”

Respected journalists began to distance themselves from JK Rowling, author of a children’s book series about wizards, after the author made several controversial comments, as well as a full essay, lambasting the trans community.

“Well, it’s just not a good look anymore,” said Tom Owens (supposedly 29). “The frantic leaps for ham-fisted representation and the whole thing with the goblins was fine, but after a certain point, it’s not appropriate to use a children’s book series about wizards to frame political discourse.”

When asked what the next step was, Owens admitted that he wasn’t certain. “There’s not a lot of young adult fiction to lean on, honestly. A Series of Unfortunate Events is a bit niche; Redwall doesn’t quite have the post-publication diversity that we look for, and Eragon…well, not Eragon.”

“Honestly, if someone doesn’t come out with some decent children’s novels soon, we’re just going to have to use words like ‘family separation, ‘autocracy’, and ‘undermining the integrity of elections by attacking public resources’. And who the hell is going to understand that?”

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