Newcastle has been host to a swarm of disruptive and in part violent protests after it emerged that Geordie staple Greggs has not been included in the government’s Eat Out To Help Out scheme.
The brainchild of Conservative Chancellor Rishi Sunak, the scheme has seen many restaurants, cafes and pubs offer 50% discounts on food and non-alcoholic beverages on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays throughout August. The discount will be covered by the government in a move that is hoped to encourage spending and revive the hospitality industry.
However, many of those north of the River Trent have been shocked to discover that the offer does not include bakery chain Greggs. This means that their famous sausage rolls currently cost a bank-breaking £1 each, leaving many regulars reeling.
“It’s a disgrace,” fumed local pastry enthusiast Gregory Gregson. “My KFC Chicken Zingers are half price, as are my Big Whoppers, but I can’t even get 50p off my sausage roll. It’s just typical of this country really.”
Gregarious Gregory and his fellow discount bakery lovers even decided to stage a protest to express their outrage at the government’s decision.
“We call ourselves the Defenders of Greggs,” Gregory explained to The Lampoon. “We believe that everyone should have the right to eat whatever discounted meals they choose – and if the southerners are allowed their half-price Wagamama and Starbucks then we up north should be allowed our discounted Greggs.
“At a push I would even accept a compromise – maybe Cooplands or Milligans – but even their slightly sub-par sausage rolls aren’t included on the offer. It’s ridiculous.”
At the most recent Defenders of Greggs protest, Gregory and his friends surrounded the Civic Centre dressed as their favourite pork-based snack and threw supermarket knock-offs of Greggs’ famous classic at the local council building.
“It was a great day,” laughed Gregory. “The funny thing is that if they were the real deal Greggs sausage rolls, the council employees would have been eating them straight off the floor, even during a pandemic – no one would ever let a Greggs sausage roll go to waste. But because they weren’t, the staff didn’t dare go near them – and so they’ve been left barricaded in the building by a wall of sausage rolls.”
When The Lampoon‘s correspondent asked Gregory whether the introduction of the Eat Out To Help Out scheme at Greggs would encourage him to try the bakery’s other wares, the local activist seemed horrified.
“You mean that those vegan ones would be included in the offer?!” Gregory asked incredulously. “We only deal with real meat around here. I’d rather go sausage roll-less than have one of them.”