Journalism is about making a stand, and that’s what The Lampoon is here to do. And for too long, there’s been a cancer eating away at the heart of journalism itself, and we’re not going to sit here and pretend that this isn’t happening.
We are speaking, of course, of the rampant overuse of the word “slammed”.
Look, English is hard. We get it. Not everyone can have writers with a PhD in Creative Writing on staff. But things have come to a pretty pass when the word “slammed” is being forced upon us without so much as a glass of wine to get us in the mood.
Let me tell you, we’re really starting to lose patience with your laissez-faire attitude to this particular word, fellow journalists. And we don’t plan on letting you pollute the pristine waters of our mother tongue with your lazy cliches and tired repetitions. We at The Lampoon pledge that we will not rely on the same crutch that the rest of journalism seems content to. Not for us the easy prop of “slams”: it’ll be a cold day in hell first.
Buckle up, fair readers, because you’re about to get hit with more verbs than a blind man at a book fight. Get ready to hear about how Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez stared into the frantic eyes of NBC as she choked the last rattling breath from its throat. Enjoy hearing about how Kamala Harris painfully dislocated her jaw and ingested an entire QAnon conspiracy theory. You’d better be goddamn prepared to read about Joe Biden belching the holy fire of the righteous at Mitch McConnell in the form of a mild and measured rebuke of the Senate Majority Leader’s tactics.
And as for the rest you so-called “writers”, from now on, when we see the word “slammed”, we’d better be about to read an article about Immortal Hulk Hogan lifting Andre the Giant off his feet and bodyslamming him to the mat at WrestleMania III.
Now, make yourselves comfortable and bear witness as we lower the weathered testicles of journalistic integrity onto the sweat-glazed forehead of the nation.