Scientists have confirmed, after considerable research, that every existing or hypothetical universe in which Princess Diana is still alive is in a far worse state than our own.
“It’s uncanny,” Professor Melvin Richards, Head of Applied Sciences at Newcastle University, told The Lampoon. “We’ve run every simulation we could think of – tried every potential situation in which Diana doesn’t die in the Pont de l’Alma tunnel – and it’s always the same thing, or near enough.” When pressed for details, Richards simply replied, “Hell.”
The Princess of Wales died in a collision on August 31st 1997, a date which scientists have now come to view as a convergence point between an untold number of alternate realities and our own. The deciding factor, Richards’ latest research paper hypothesises, is whether or not Princess Diana survives the impact.
“I really wish I could be less upfront about this,” Richards told our reporter, “but it really does boil down to ‘Diana Alive: a nightmarescape of dread and untold suffering; Diana dead: the admittedly pretty lousy reality we currently inhabit’. We’ve seen things you can’t possibly imagine. You think Trump and Johnson are bad? Because let me tell you, every breath Princess Diana takes condemns her subjects to wailing and gnashing of teeth. About eighty per cent of the Alter-Dianas we’ve seen have views on ethnic minorities that would make Nigel Farage blush, and don’t get me started on the bionic versions. On the upside, I don’t think there’s a universe we’ve run the numbers on in which she hasn’t gelded Prince Andrew with a pair of rusty shears.”
Whether or not the Princess of Wales was aware of the central role that she played in the direction our world has not yet been established. “She damn sure knows in some of those realities,” Richards asserted. “Let’s just say that it’s apparent from her performance. Personally, I think there’s a case to be made for her being gifted with some foreknowledge of her…particular circumstances. You know: some Donnie Darko-type shit. People didn’t think it was an accident at the time; maybe we were all just wrong about who’d planned it.”