“We’ve had some more ideas,” Government tells schools

It has been revealed that the Government has issued new guidance for schools the Friday before they reopen.

The last-minute nature of the move has been widely criticised by teachers who are already bracing themselves to risk Covid-19 infection and deal with annoying children again.

A local Newcastle teacher gave The Lampoon his thoughts on the eleventh-hour delivery of this information on the condition of anonymity (but between you and us, his name is Frank Pendleton);

“Having spent the summer trying to find a way to arrange a classroom built with twenty students in mind so it allows thirty students to socially distance, I felt we were as prepared as we were going to be. I was ready to spend the weekend drinking beer and doing co…ffe, yes, definitely coffee. Now I have to work instead.”

Education Secretary Gavin Williamson explained the alleged delay in producing the latest guidance outside of his office as he searched his pockets in an ultimately fruitless attempt to find his key to the door.

“I find the outrage about this to be insincere and manufactured. After all, the Government has set a clear precedent of suddenly changing its position. In any event, this guidance was formulated well in advance of Friday. But we had a few glasses of champagne after we were done and the file fell down the side of my desk. We found it late Thursday night and- look, government work is hard, okay!?”

Williamson ended the interview at this point by gesturing wildly over The Lampoon reporter’s shoulder and screaming, “What’s that?” before escaping in the confusion.

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