A mistyped, anonymous tweet has allowed a murderer to evade capture, a representative from Northumbria Police reported earlier today.
The police spokesman, Les B. Avenue, told The Lampoon that there was a “real feeling of frustration” at the confusion caused by the tweet, which described the suspect as “working as a large care home”. It took several days and no less than six attempted arrests before the intended meaning – that the suspect worked at a large care home – became clear.
“Obviously, we realise now that it was a simple mistake rather than an indication that we needed to make the subject of our manhunt a multistorey building dedicated to providing care and support to the elderly and vulnerable,” Avenue told The Lampoon’s crime and horsewhippings correspondent. “However, in police work, it’s important to never disregard a potential lead, and so it was necessary to extend our enquiries to this demographic.”
Northumbria Police have faced criticism for their arrests of several large buildings, all of which they claim was the result of the misspelt tweet. These wrongful arrests included three care homes, an orphanage, and Northern Stage. On the subject of this disapproval, Avenue claimed that the police were merely following procedure.
“At the time, acting on information received that aligned with our own evidence, we believed that the identity of the Care Home Strangler was indeed a building that was two or more storeys in height, likely made of red brick. Our investigation was carried out in accordance with the law and with complete professionalism.” Avenue added, “And, honestly, giving him a name like ‘the Care Home Strangler’ was always going to lead to this kind of confusion.”
The Care Home Strangler remains at large. Northumbria Police have advised North East residents that they currently believe the suspect to be “human, with at least two hands”.