In what was described by viewers as a “robust confrontation” in the House of Commons, Keir Starmer today showed an uncharacteristic level of passion as he hoisted Prime Minister Boris Johnson onto his shoulders before powerbombing him straight through the woolsack.
Starmer’s absence from the chamber had been noted by MPs as Boris Johnson entered the House of Commons for Prime Minister’s Questions. However, this was soon revealed to be a mere ploy, and when the Prime Minister was asked what his engagements for the day were, the Labour leader rose up behind Johnson before driving him to the ground with what Laura Kuenssberg later described as “an RKO out of nowhere”.
Members on the Government benches appealed for the Speaker to intervene as Starmer tore his suit jacket and shirt off his body and drove elbow after elbow onto the Prime Minister’s prone form. Lindsay Hoyle, however, declared that the incident in question did not as yet amount to unparliamentary conduct and so he would let it continue.
“I, for one, was disgusted,” Conservative MP John Redwood told The Lampoon. “Mr Starmer is clearly unwilling to provide an opposition that supports the Government and praises its coronavirus response, so we are instead forced to endure scenes of him hitting Boris Johnson with the People’s Elbow – which, while it may indeed be the most electrifying move in sports entertainment, seems to me an impractically socialist manoeuvre.”
After Starmer had finally powerbombed the Prime Minister through the woolsack, he provided some brief words of comment to The Lampoon’s political correspondent, stating, “Well, let me tell you something, brother. What I just did in there is just a taste of what I’ve got in store for Boris Jabroni each week, every week at PMQs. And he can talk about the Shadow Education Secretary’s comments, and he can talk about the previous Labour government, and he can talk about sniping from the sidelines, but he needs to realise that he’s not just taking on me, but the thousands of Starmermaniacs, brother. That whole Tory Cabinet had better realise that they’re not dealing with Jeremy Corbyn; they’re dealing with a leadership winning, left-winging, policy hacking, Long-Bailey sacking Leader of the Opposition. And you can’t teach that.”
Downing Street was unavailable to comment, but a Whitehall source did confirm that Keir Starmer had been offered a match at Madison Square Garden against current Universal Champion Drew McIntyre to determine the future of Scottish Independence.