Northumbria University to contain student body within “Pandemicopolis”

After the news broke that over 700 of their students had tested positive for Covid-19, Northumbria University today announced the establishment of a “plague city” keep the infected students contained.

Speaking to the press this morning, a spokesman for the university claimed that the creation of “Pandemicopolis” was vital to preventing the infection spreading beyond university property.

“These are troubled times,” the spokesman told The Lampoon’s plague correspondent. “The recent flood of cases that we’ve experienced have left us with no option but to go full-on London plague in the short-to-medium term.”

The measures would not allow students to leave university property, instead keeping them isolated from the general public: measures to be enforced with the construction of what the university described as “walls and other…structures”.

“The students will be provided with rations,” the university’s spokesman assured The Lampoon. “Protein, water: the essentials. And, of course, diversion will be provided in the form of remote working; there will be plenty that the students can use to occupy their time.”

Northumbria University’s students are currently sealed within their accommodation as the final walls are erected, at which point they will be allowed to roam freely within the enclosure of Pandemicopolis. Reports of what has been described as a “blood-based, quasi-Pagan religion” taking root within Glenamara House have been denied by the university as “alarmist rumours”.

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