Man outraged by Tier 2 sex ban entirely unaffected by it

A Heaton man has been reported as outraged over the ban on sex between couples who are living apart in Tier 2 and 3 areas. The Lampoon can also reveal it will make absolutely no difference to his lifestyle whatsoever.

According to the man, sex won’t spread coronavirus, seeing as it isn’t that intimate, at least when it’s with him.

“That guy getting worried about a ban on sex is like Boris Johnson getting worried about a ban on showers,” one of his friends told our sex reporter.

Our sex reporter is a dominatrix who works in the sex shop in which The Lampoon keeps an office. She kindly agreed to take the job on the condition she be allowed to quit as soon as someone in our writing or editorial staff has sex. She celebrates a decade in the job next week.

Our staff do occasionally have sex when the dominatrices need to work on their bukkake. This is strictly a professional endeavour mind, which is why black shoes are required to match the gimp suit at all times.

The Lampoon has no issue with those who choose not to be sexually active. The Heaton man insists it is a choice.

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