Conservative Party proposes “denying children food” as erectile dysfunction treatment

Following the defeat of a Labour Party motion that would seek to extend the provision of school meals over the holiday period, a press release from the Conservative Party has announced that they will seek to market this action as cure for erectile dysfunction.

“It was absolutely astonishing,” Tory MP E. Tonian stated, face flushed and slick with sweat. “I’ve never had a rush like that before. The second – the very second – that the Speaker announced that the noes had it, I was fully erect. It’s nothing short of a miracle, in my opinion, and I feel like there’s some real money to be made here.”

Tonian was not the only member of the Conservative Party to experience what has been described as “an overpowering rush of sexual potency” as the House of Commons voted down the motion, with 322 MPs opposing. Several MPs took to their feet in order to bring the Speaker’s attention to the straining protuberances in their trousers, while a brief recess was necessary following the vote in order to allow cleaning staff into the No Lobby, the floor of which was described as “suspiciously moist”.

“I feel like a young man again,” said H. Coningsby MP. “Work most certainly is the only way out of poverty, and with the work I’m about to put my old chap through, I could wipe out the national debt.”

The Conservative Party have not yet revealed how they intend to produce and market their proposed competitor to Viagra, but early reports indicate a strong preference for the tagline, “Think Tory: kickstart your erection by imagining a hungry, crying child”.

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