Downing Street sources have spoken out about rumours that have been spreading since early this morning, confirming that Boris Johnson has been contacted by three spirits that implored him to reflect upon his past, present, and future in order to discover the true meaning of leadership.
“The reports that the Prime Minister was disturbed not once, not three hundred and fifty million times, but three times by spectral visitors are, sadly, true,” the spokesperson told a gathering of the press. “Each time, they attempted to take him on what, from what the Prime Minister has told us, sounds like some sort of peyote-fuelled vision quest for the purpose of his ‘reclamation’.”
“However, Mr Johnson stood resolute, telling each of the Spirits in no uncertain terms that the blame for the current situation lies with the previous Labour government, and that the Spirits’ time could be spent more profitably by visiting that former administration.”
At this point during the press conference, an upstairs window of Downing Street was flung open, revealing the Prime Minister gazing out at the street below.
“What’s today, my fine fellow?” he called down to a young urchin among the journalists (Editor’s note: check our competitors’ hiring practices re. child labour).
“Today!” replied the boy. “Why, it’s the start of half-term!”
“Hurrah!” cried the Prime Minister. “No lunch for you, peasant!”