Lampoon writers can’t shake feeling they’re forgetting something today

Writers at The Toon Lampoon were struck by the nagging feeling that they’re forgetting something today. Lampoon archives indicate that our writers haven’t felt this paranoid since 22 November 1963, when they published the daily Sudoku and took the day off.

One writer agreed to speak on the record, because we said we’d fire him if he didn’t.

“I just can’t help but feel there’s something happening today that we should be reporting on. Actually, never mind: my mind’s probably playing tricks on me because it’s such a slow news day.”

After a quick google search, though, our writer had a change of heart.

“Of course!” he cried. “It’s Mother’s Day in East Timor! God, that’s so embarrassing.”

“Still, thank god we realised. Can you imagine how bad it would have been if we’d forgotten something so important?”

‘Writer’ is of course a generous term for the people we hire to create content for the website.

The closest thing they have to a background check is a fist fight with an editor in a pub car park. This is to make sure they won’t pose a threat to the not at all insecure editorial team, who incidentally all bench 300 pounds.

Once they get the job, they spend all day repeatedly throwing alphabetti spaghetti at a wall. Then they write down the combinations of letters that happen to make up words.

A simple computer algorithm sorts these words into an order that obeys the rules of syntax and grammar, but crucially not of comedy. An article is then published whenever a monkey hits a button on the wall of its cage, in a system that is almost as crushingly apathetic as American electoral politics.

Joe Molander would like to thank David Spain for coming up with the headline for this article. Joe intends to show David that he’s grateful by taking all the credit.

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