Bare-chested, wielding the severed head of a Kamchatka brown bear, mounted on the back of a steroid-fuelled Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin entered the White House today to accept his new position as president of the United States.
Pro-Trump supporters, surprisingly, were taken back to see Trump and Putin cooperating. As the couple approached the White House steps, crowds stopped in stunned silence, watching Donald clear the steps with Trump™ polish and laying out a Trump™ blanket to soothe Putin’s feet.
Trump stood in front of the White House and announced “Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new president. He’s going to be – you know this – he’s going to be the greatest president this country has ever seen. I’ve always said Russia, Russia, Russia. Me and Vlad go way back. I support him, bigly. He’s going to do a wonderful job.”
Despite the difficulty of the new situation, Trump’s crowd were quick to realign themselves with their orange president’s new allegiance. One particularly quick man shouted: “It’s about time! If there’s one thing I’ve always said this country needed to make it great again, it’s communists.”
What followed was a shaky attempt at improvising the Russian national anthem, which very few members of the crowd knew, but all attempted to demonstrate a passionate attachment to.
Putin then drop-kicked the bear’s decapitated head into the crowd, who devoured it with the same fervour they usually only reserved for screaming in the ears of low-paid young supermarket workers attempting to enforce shop health policy.
Putin commenced his speech: “I would like to thank the entire public of the United States for voting for me unanimously. I applied very late into the process, because I feared you Americans would not be ready for a strong, masculine leader after four years of this orange pussy imbecile, but I figured that if Kanye West could make a presidential bid after the application deadline, so could I.”
“I would like to thank the US postal service for ensuring that American democracy was protected by eliminating all potential Russian ballots from the count. The one vote that was counted, in the end, I believe speaks for the entire nation.”
After a lengthy ceremony, during which Putin sacrificed Donald Trump to Mark Zuckerberg, The Arbiter of Truth, he was lifted up by the crowd, carried into the White house, and sworn in as the 46th president of the United States.