President-for-life Donald Trump has granted The Toon Lampoon exclusive permission, out of all the liberal fake news sites, to report on his second election victory and subsequent eternal reign. We can neither confirm nor deny that this is related to The Lampoon’s known stance as a paid propaganda rag for Boris Johnson.
The corrupt, big government-supporting blue states had their unfairly-stolen electoral college seats redistributed to the guns n’ freedom-loving red states that truly earned them by being real Americans. Our America correspondent reported that this was to prevent the commie Demonrats committing electoral fraud by counting anti-American votes, but we have not been able to verify this as he disappeared mysteriously shortly after someone retweeted a post he made comparing glorious leader Donald I’s hair to a dead cat. We asked one of the Proud Boys guarding the polling stations if he knew where our correspondent had gone, but he just made us sing The Star-Spangled Banner really fast to prove we weren’t illegal immigrants.
With such an enormous margin of victory, it is clear that God-Emperor Trump is beloved by all true Americans and only illegal immigrants or Satanic deep state paedophiles dared to vote against him. With the socialist House of Representatives finally shut down while the eternal ruler finds new conservative politicians to replace the now “deported” Demonrats, Trump will finally be able to get around to his election policies of turning China into a private car park and putting America’s failed communist government programs under the competent business administration of his various family members, freeing up more tax money to be spent on keeping the fallout barrier along the Mexican border as strong as ever.
The last surviving Democrat voter told The Lampoon that it would have been worse if Trump had achieved the 160% majority he was predicted against Sanders