Staff of prestigious satire publication The Toon Lampoon were surprised earlier today by the realisation that President Donald Trump had elected to host a “big press conference” at Four Season’s Landscaping: the property next to their own offices.
“I mean, yeah, it was a huge surprise,” one correspondent told another. “We’d just assumed that there would be no major news today, so we’d knocked off early and more or less descended into a haze of opium and emotionless, unsatisfying sex.”
“I was sandwiched between our political correspondent and the Chief Editor,” another writer reported to his own reflection. “I remember Dr. Spain swaying by the window, a half-drunk bottle of wine clutched in his fist. And then he said – I remember the exact words – he said, ‘Shit fuck. I think that’s the goddamn President out there.'”
The Lampoon offices, which also offer a considerable collection of adult fiction, videos, and barely-used marital aids, have described their relationship with both Four Season’s Landscaping and the 45th president of the United States as “suboptimal”, having spent a large portion of 2020 producing almost-but-not-quite libellous news articles about one while decrying the domestic and foreign policies of the other.
“Honestly, the pair of them being together now feels like poetry,” Dr. Spain admitted to any Lampoon writer not currently face-down in a puddle of their own fluids. “It would have been an amazing opportunity to carry out an interview but, if I can say this off the record, it seemed so convenient that we all agreed that this was probably some undercover ploy to draw us out into a police sting.”
The Lampoon will continue to employ their sterling and unrivalled journalistic talents as America enters the Biden presidency, as soon as they’ve had a good nap and can move more than five steps without vomiting blood.