In a candid interview with The Toon Lampoon’s grifters and Republican presidential candidate correspondent, a preacher for the St Mary’s Megachurch of Perpetual Privilege stated that he “can’t believe this shit is still working”.
“It really is incredible,” Simon Godslove told our correspondent. “I stand there every week, and I tell them that Jesus wants them to give the Church their money. And get this: they fucking give me their money. Poor people? Money. Families on food stamps? Money. Weighed down with medical bills because they have relatives dying of COVID-19? Get real: I’ve got them convinced that it’s all a hoax.”
Godslove declined to disclose the amount of money received from his parishioners, or what use the Church puts it to, choosing instead to describe it as “obscene”. The amount of faith that churchgoers have placed in him, he claims, has even caused him to doubt key areas of biblical scripture.
“I mean, how can they be made in God’s image and be this stupid?” Godslove asked our correspondent. “Don’t tell me that Jesus died for the sake of these credulous fuckwits. There has got to be a limit to omnibenevolence, and it’s the point where someone with a room-temperature IQ gives me fifty dollars because I told them it was the only way to get to heaven.”
Godslove’s latest book, Why God Wants You to Give Me $1000 and Let Me Fuck Your Wife, will be released this Monday.
