In a bid to appear more progressive, the New York Police Department (NYPD) now requires officers to ask a suspect’s pronouns before racially profiling them.
The announcement was made by the NYPD’s head of public relations, one of the walking tank things from Robocop. The tank was addressing members of the press at a local precinct, where our crime and prisons correspondent was getting arrested.
“The issue of transphobia isn’t something we can turn off like a bodycam,” the sentient tank explained. “We have to stop persecuting people because of their gender identity and focus on what matters: their ethnic identity.”
“We’re aware people have several problems with our service, so we’ve decided to solve maybe one or two of them. Today, we pledge to support the transgender community for as long as it is fashionable.”
The NYPD has faced almost no accountability in the last twelve months, owing to the exceptional circumstances. This is in stark contrast to other years, when it faces no accountability because of perfectly normal circumstances.
The NYPD has insisted it is committed to the highest ethical standards while protecting and serving. Meanwhile, our crime and prison correspondent received twenty years prison for wire fraud and interfering in a foreign election. He’s been given a criminal record, and a promotion at The Lampoon.