Multi-millionaire woman of the people Kamala Harris has today wowed fans and critics alike with her bold new advertising campaign. To ease concerns that she may not be a sufficiently progressive Vice President, she has today announced the “War Crimes: For Her” campaign.
“William Golding wrote about the ‘darkness of man’s heart’ like it was the worst thing in the world. Clearly, no-one told him about women’s hearts!” she asked, laughing. “Take me: I can be pretty brutal when I haven’t had my morning coffee, or when I defend the unconstitutional treatment of a transgender prisoner.”
Her first billboard sets the tone nicely:
Harris told The Lampoon that “The idea that women can’t be neo-colonialist actors in the destablisation of the most politically and economically unstable parts of the world is absurd. We want girls up and down America to look at the atrocities committed in the Congo and Chile and think ‘alright boys: now it’s my go’.”
Upon seeing this billboard, our reporter asked Harris if she was at all concerned about being perceived as having too aggressive a plan for foreign policy. She refused to answer the question directly. When pressed, she giggled and said “Just remember I’ll be in the one in the Oval Office without dementia”.
Harris told our reporter “Having a sister, I know how hard it can be to share. That’s why I’ll make sure as Vice President that we share the Oval Office with everyone in the military-industrial complex, regardless of gender!”
Harris agreed to show us one more billboard which was rejected at an early concept stage, after we told her how low our readership was:
“Even with his memory fading, Joe can quote George Bush’s autobiography from memory,” Harris told our reporter, unprompted.