Following up on his promise to create a deal between the UK and the EU, Boris Johnson has made a new pledge, promising to fulfil a New Year’s resolution to become “thirty percent more Tony Soprano-esque.”
“The Prime Minister has proved his commitment to the Brexit process,” a Downing Street spokesperson told The Lampoon’s political correspondent. “Following on from this, we are confident that Mr Johnson will follow through on his promise to cultivate a more Sopranos-style milieu within the Cabinet with the same energy and dedication.”
Boris Johnson’s enthusiasm for getting rid of colleagues for perceived disloyalty, extramarital affairs, allowing his lack of leadership qualities to cause a breakdown of the organisation he leads, discrimination towards ethnic minorities, embarrassments involving elderly family members, and the remoulding of his physique into one reminiscent of what doctors have described as a “a guy who eats beef and sausage by the fuckin’ carload” have been noted by members of the public with an interest in both the Conservative Party and The Sopranos. When approached by The Lampoon, the member of the public in question said, “I’m withholding judgement on his performance thus far. In my opinion, he never had the makings of a varsity Prime Minister.”
Upon being questioned by The Lampoon, a Cabinet Minister who wished to remain anonymous stated, “Ooohhh!!” while gesticulating wildly with his arms. After the issue was pursued, the Cabinet Minister added, “All due respect, you got no fuckin’ idea what it’s like to be Number One. Every decision you make affects every facet of every other fuckin’ thing. It’s too much to deal with almost. And in the end you’re completely alone with it all.”
Reports from inside Downing Street have described the Prime Minister as muttering, “Woke up this morning, got yourself a gun” moments before announcing the deal between the United Kingdom and the European Union. Following the delivery of this announcement, The Lampoon’s cameras captured Johnson blocking Michael Gove’s mouth and nose until the Chancellor of the Duchy of Lancaster had expired.
As the date of the Prime Minister’s resolution begins, the only question that remains to be answered is