Toon Lampoon staff to go on furlough for 80% of fuck all

After a frank discussion and an open exchange of views, it has been agreed that The Toon Lampoon will cease any and all satire activity while Newcastle upon Tyne remains in Tier 4.

In exchange, the prominent satire publication will accept a furlough payment from the Government amounting to 80% of its writing staff’s wages. Taking into account The Lampoon’s current revenue, this sum’s total has been projected at 0 GBP.

“We would, in essence, be making the same amount of money that we’d be making if we kept working,” editor Joe Molander told a Lampoon writer, apparently under the impression that he was being interviewed. “On a conceptual level, it’s financial brilliance.”

The Lampoon’s writing staff have claimed to be optimistic about what has been described by editors as a “bold financial decision”. It has been described by their accountant – who has requested to remain anonymous – as “oh Jesus Christ no what the fuck get off me”.

Editors’ chief concern, reports say, is that without The Toon Lampoon to act as an outlet, they will finally be forced to address their deep-seated personality issues in a way that doesn’t generate clicks.

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