In a stunning turn of events, reports are coming in that a sabbatical officer has actually done something today. While our intrepid reporters are scrambling to find out what exactly they have done, The Lampoon, along with the entirety of the student population of Newcastle University, wait with bated breath to see how this unnamed brave officer is earning their £19k.
Some students have taken to Twitter to theorize what they might have done. “Maybe they’ve actually brought up tuition fees in Student Council” proposed one student. “Nah, I reckon they’ve updated their blog” replied another.
I wish I could offer a better analysis of events than just quoting some random tweets from students, but due to the unmatched nature of this event, I have nothing to compare it to. Sorry readers, you’re all on your own today. Just self-teach yourself the news, you’ll be alright.