Yesterday, an angry mob, armed with nothing but angst, determination, and fully automatic assault rifles, besieged the World Calendar Capitol building. The group were calling for a stop to 2021, claiming it had ‘stolen’ the date, and that 2020 had been unfairly defeated by the Earth’s rotation around the sun.
Our reporter arrived at the scene with incredible speed, and he will be whipped for this disobedience when he arrives back at the Lampoon office. He was supposed to be reporting on, and I quote our editor here, “whatever dumb shit seems to be going on in America,” but within hours of leaving HQ, he was inside the World Calendar Capitol building. A sub-editor has suggested this decision was something to do with the Lampoon’s 2021 nude calendar, which features reporters posing erotically with a range of kitchen appliances, but none of us could guess why Lee Keydong would be having second thoughts about his appearance in it.
“SAVE THE DATE! SAVE THE DATE!” chanted the crowd, as they pushed past workers at the World Calendar Capitol building. One protester grabbed Lee’s microphone, believing it to be connected to the building’s PA system: “This is a historic day!” he shouted, to a crowd more interested in coughing in the faces of office temps than listening to rhetoric. “This date will go down in the history books, as the day that history stopped!”
That line did elicit cheers: complete self-contradictions made with no self-awareness were a popular rhetorical strategy in this crowd.
Some protesters claimed to have a “2020 vision”; but one eye witness said that, “having witnessed their eyes, I’d bet most of them are actually at least in need of reading glasses, if not some proper prescription lenses. Should’ve stormed a Specsavers!”
Lee eventually found a protester willing to comment on the siege, who told him “It’s not actually as wacky as it might seem to you daters.”
“Yeah, date haters. Everyone who thinks 2021 has any reasonable claim to be the year is a dater. Anyway; what we’re doing is actually pretty reasonable. I mean, the initial foundation of the Gregorian calendar is all socially constructed. It’s supposedly based on the birth of Christ, but that’s disputed anyway; it could be years out. The way I see it, 2020 is less of a calendar year and more of an idea. The idea of chaos. That’s far more solid than any Roman dates you’ve plucked from thin air. And if there’s one thing that hasn’t ended, it’s that 2020 chaos.
“It’d be like, let’s say, if some Americans besieged the Capitol building to stop Biden being confirmed as president. There’d be all these people claiming it was an erosion of democracy, as if American democracy itself wasn’t first put into the constitution by a bunch of rich white slave owners. As if that shambles of a two-party system could even be called democracy anyway. And another thing- ugh-”
Just as this man’s eloquence was convincing Lee to drop his microphone and join the crowd, he abruptly stopped and fell to the ground. A man dressed in the hide of a bear, with a full lion’s mane down his back, had spotted him conducting rational discourse with Lee; assuming this meant he was the enemy, he clubbed his fellow rioter in the back with an elephant’s tusk, and pounced upon him. The calendar-conspiracy-caveman screamed as he did this, accusing the man of being a member of ‘20FA’. The man died attempting to explain that his attacker was also, in fact, a member of 20FA, since 20FA stands for ‘2020 Fascist’.
A member of security eventually approached the fascist Flintstone, asking him what colour he was beneath his war paint.
“Ug. Me no like questions. Me fight!” the caveman responded, which the officer must have misheard as “Me white!” because he made no subsequent objections to being pummelled to death with the jawbone of a blue whale.
At this point Lee left the scene, complaining that that it had made him feel ‘leaky’. In journalism, this isn’t usually seen as a negative, but Lee retreated nonetheless, approaching some of the workers of the Calendar Capitol building instead, who had been evacuated to safety.
One of the workers told him: “This actually gives us a bit of a break, to be honest. Working for the Calendar means you don’t really get to take a day off. We only get to take one day off in February every four years, and the unions had to fight really hard for that.
“But the trouble now is, this is a pretty major disruption. It’s likely that everyone at the Calendar will be working overtime to sort this out. Which means that, whether we give in to their demands or not, this is going to be a really long year.”
Featured image: Derick McKinney on Unsplash