Local man’s sanity irrevocably destroyed by spirit level purchase

Following his recent admittance to a mental health facility, the family of Newcastle local Sean Cue revealed their belief that his rapid psychological deterioration began with the purchase of a spirit level.

“He said he just wanted to check something about the kitchen floor,” Cue’s wife, Joan, told The Lampoon’s local ghoulishness correspondent. “For a day or so after that, it was like he was a little distracted, then things started to go downhill.”

Joan described her husband’s fevered testing of every surface in their three-bedroom home, claiming, in his own words, that he just wanted to be “absolutely sure”.

“He became obsessed with it,” Joan admitted. “Even if the bubble was dead centre in the level, he claimed that he could feel a slope. I kept waiting for him to stop – to level with me – but he just wouldn’t settle.”

Despite Joan’s hopes that Sean’s mania would eventually reach subsidence, she was forced to confront the fact that he was becoming unbalanced.

“Every day was like an uphill struggle, and it just kept getting steeper,” Joan recalled. “Eventually, it became clear that we needed to get to the foundation of this obsession before there was a complete collapse. The last straw for me was when I woke up to find him measuring our fifteen-year-old son at three o’clock in the morning, crying about how he ‘wasn’t straight’. At first, I thought, you know, ‘tell me something I don’t know’. Then, I realised that he meant geometrically.”

Sean Cue is currently undergoing treatment at an unresearched location. A spokesperson for Precision DIY has expressed that none of their tools or hardware are suitable or calibrated for the measuring of one’s sexuality.

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