Funded by the Hive Mind Collective, Poll A Nation’s new survey was initially deemed a “ground-breaking study” – until scientists deemed the earthquake “purely coincidental.”
Of the people interviewed, 63% said the survey was to their satisfaction, with only 17% expressing dissatisfaction. 15% said they were unsure whether or not they were satisfied with the survey.
5% said they weren’t sure satisfaction was a measurable quality and that, if the satisfaction they’d been searching for to fill their empty existence had been granted by the completion of a survey, they weren’t sure what the point would be of continuing to live. A further 5% did a different survey.
“I liked this survey because it didn’t ask very much of me. Usually these things always have some box at the end that you’re supposed to fill in, with extra suggestions or concerns, as if they gave up on writing questions for people and thought ‘ah, they’ll come up with some questions for themselves.’ It’s even worse when they’ve got those little survey feedback boxes. Who wants to write a survey about the survey they’ve just done, and then answer their own survey questions? Not me. I’d be highly dissatisfied with that,” wrote one participant, in the survey feedback box.
Another participant, in an effort to preserve anonymity and protect their personal data, filled the survey out using invisible ink. This has been contested, however – one of the members of the research team pointed out that “I left Bob on his own for a full hour while I got people to fill in the survey. I came back to him and all his sheets were still blank. They can’t have all been invisible ink.”
One participant wrote that their dissatisfaction with the survey was due mainly to it being symptomatic of the ceaselessly self-referential postmodern condition. They lamented that “nothing means anything any more, because everything’s about itself. We’ve deconstructed everything about the world to the point where, even on this ridiculous survey, I’ve ended up deconstructing deconstruction.
“It’d be like writing an article about something, and then forcibly throwing in a self-aware meta-joke about how meta jokes in articles rely too much on the novelty of self-awareness, despite the fact that self-awareness is in no way novel. We need to once again begin to think outside the box, rather than about boxes as a concept.”
They wrote this inside the feedback box, but added the word “think” outside of it.
The conductors of the study are still trying to track this genius down, but it could be a fruitless pursuit, due to the lack of meaningful data about any of the participants.