Gavin Williamson hasn’t quite mastered the act of being human. In fact the only indication he’s even been born is the suffix ‘son’ at the end of his name.
One of the main giveaways of his non-humanness is his extreme dedication to making life miserable for absolutely everyone either in education, working in education or somehow involved in education. In fact, the odds on Gavin being a human-flip flop hybrid are exceedingly high even by normal scales of Conservative Party non-humanness. Other sources have noted that not only is he a confirmed flip flop, he has also never explicitly said he is “not Rumplestiltskin”.
The issue with being a flip flop is that you’re not made for being worn in the halls of power. You’re made for sandy beaches, ASDA when the weather reaches 20c, and Magaluf.
To make Rumplestiltskin (Mr Williamson) even less credible, it has been noted that he was born in Scarborough and went to the University of Bradford. As a result of his northern upbringing, comprehensive school education and flip flopitude, he is considered a diversity pick by his fellow war criminals in the Conservative cabinet.
Who would have thought a little lad from Scarborough could be the mastermind of a plan to starve children! Just goes to show that in the 21st century, anyone with no experience of working in the education sector can be a) Education Secretary b) so dense light bends round them and c) so bland-looking that they’re impossible to pick out of a police line up. Mr Williamson looks like he smells of sulphur and dead rabbits.
We reached out to Mr Williamson for comment but he was unavailable due to it being his turn to hunt the children for the cabinet dinner. He hopes to find some “juicy youngsters under 12” as their bones make the best gravy.