Tragic: Hedge Fund falls through, leaving hedges nationwide untrimmed

The nation’s beloved Hedge Fund was forced to close its doors this Thursday after going bust. The Fund is best known for keeping Britain’s hedgerows shapely, but is also involved in various other hedge goings-on.

The company has been in constant operation since the beginning of the 19th century, when a group of professional barbers were commissioned by King George III to tidy up the hedges of London. Ever since, the Fund has been a staple of British gardenculture.

News of the Fund’s bankruptcy comes as somewhat of a surprise, with the group typically raking in billions any given spring-summer period. Surprisingly, the problems that led to the company’s collapse were caused by a small online community.

The community in question is r/WeHateHedgeTrimming, a subreddit with a particular distaste for the hedge-trimming elite. Users worked together to purchase every set of shears in the country, thus rendering the Hedge Fund’s task of trimming hedges impossible.

Nigel Pruner, former Chairman of the Hedge Fund, is rumoured to have lost nearly a gazillion pounds as a result of the collapse.

“I’m heartbroken. Not only for myself, but for all the hedge appreciators across the nation,” Pruner said in a public announcement. “What we’re about to see across the country is an unprecedented level of unkemptness in our hedges. Not since the Great Shear-Rusting of the 1920s have we seen hedges in such disarray.”

Following the Hedge Fund’s tragic demise, rumours are aswirl that similar organisations may be forced to close their doors.

“It’s shear havoc,” Jim Gardener, Chairman of the Bush & Tree Bureau, told The Lampoon. “With the Hedge Fund gone, it is only a matter of time before the Lawn Commitee goes too. Then it’s open season.”

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