Lloyds TSB today announced its acquisition of the First National Spank Bank, following the institution’s declaration of insolvency.
Spank Bank Chairman Edward Rection spoke to The Toon Lampoon’s finance correspondent regarding the bank’s acquisition.
“The simple fact of the matter is that this institution was simply unable to supply its customers with what they need in this current era,” Mr Rection told our reporter. “The sheer amount of loans that we were called upon to service during this pandemic, not to mention the number of withdrawals that our clients were making while in isolation, meant that we could no longer realistically afford to remain active.”
When questioned about the potential difficulties of handling the masturbatory fodder of millions of clients in addition to their existing financial responsibilities, the CEO of Lloyds TSB described themselves as “optimistic and energised”.
“Obviously, this is a big step up for the Lloyds family, not to mention a considerable departure from what we would typically take on,” they told our financial correspondent. “However, we feel that we can meet these challenges in our typical hands-on fashion and be quick to finger any potential issues that may come up.”
“In terms of what our new customers can expect as a result of this acquisition, we can promise that it will be business as usual, if not better. Rumours that all sexual fantasies must now feature footage of a herd of black horses galloping across an open field are, of course, utterly nonsensical.”
Featured image: Wikimedia Commons (edited [look closely])