Keir Starmer stands in sabb elections just to feel electable

Keir Starmer has announced he will stand for a sabbatical officer role in the Newcastle University Students’ Union just so he can feel electable. He plans to run on whatever platform his opponent is running on, but slightly more left-wing.

Starmer agreed to talk to our reporter, after she disguised herself as a Telegraph journalist and promised to say nice things about him. Starmer told her he had a great track record of being electable.

“I waved a Union Jack around for weeks and gained a whole three points in the polls,” he said. “And holding onto that poll lead was the best five hours of my life.”

“I’m neck and neck with Boris Johnson, and he’s only killed 118,189 people.”

He continued “Having broad support is just as good as coming up with a decent set of policies, so I can’t wait to start doing either.”

Featured Image: Wikimedia Commons

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